Snow and Ice
by vikatenista
Summary: REUPLOAD! My bad. The Saw gang gets snowed in at Adam and Lawrence's. They get bored, hijinxes ensue. Rated T for drinking and language. AU and crack; enjoy! R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

**Snow and Ice**

Summary: The Saw gang gets snowed in during the after Christmas blizzard at Adam and Lawrence's. They get bored and hijinxs ensue. Um…no one's dead so AU and crack; woo! Inspired by the blizzard NYC received the other day. I was snowed in my house for 24 hours. This is what happens. R&R!

"Oy, it's been snowing for hours!" Adam exclaimed. "There's no way any of you guys are getting out of here tonight; there's two feet on the ground outside!"

Adam walked into the main living area of the apartment he shared with Lawrence. In addition to his partner sitting on the couch, he found John sitting in the armchair surfing the Web on his new Macbook Pro; Amada laying under the table reading a book; Jill leaning up against the wall staring out the window and nursing a cup of hot cocoa; Perez resting her head in Strahm's lap; and of course, Hoffman laying under the Christmas tree playing with the ornaments.

"Let's play a game! Let's play a game!" Hoffman exclaimed. Jill glowered in his direction, and he stammered, "N-n-not that kind of game Jill! I WASN'T VOLUNTEERING!" He bolted up and backed away into the wall, holding a half eaten candy cane out in front of him; it was his only defense.

Jill smirked. "I love scaring the shit out of you Hoffman. It's too easy," she said as she sipped her drink.

Amanda piped up from her hiding spot under the dining room table, "Maybe the big oaf is right. I'm bored; we should play a game."

Lawrence got up and walked over to their closet. "Well," he said, "We have…Life, Monopoly, Yahtzee…"

"Board games?" Jill asked incredulously. "If I have to be stuck here with you clowns, I'm at least getting some kind of reward." She placed her empty mug of the coffee table and walked into the kitchen. The rest of the group sat and listened as the heard rustling and banging; Jill was obviously looking for something.

"Aha!" Jill exclaimed, and soon she returned to the sitting room carrying a tray with eight shot glasses and two bottles of Smirnoff.

"…I'm confused…" Hoffman said, still holding out his candy cane in front of him.

"It's for Never Have I Ever, you dipshit," Amanda responded and crawled out from under the table. "Usually reserved for drunken teenage parties," she said and smirked. "Jill, I approve. I didn't think you were the type!"

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Jill responded and her eyes lit up mischievously.

Most of the others murmured in excitement. Adam had a goofy grin on his face. He said, "Damn, this was my favorite part of college! At least, I think it was…I don't really remember." He looked at Lawrence and laughed.

"Jill, do you really think this is a good idea? After all, my life's work is teaching people the error of their ways and the whole point of this game is to exploit them…" John said.

Hoffman finally put down his sticky treat and said, "Yeah…I don't think this is such a good idea."

"No one ever cares what you think Hoffman. You should have figured this out by now. And John…it's Smirnoff Ice," Jill said, and tauntingly waved the bottle in front of him.

John bolted up out of his chair and took his place in the circle, "I'm in!" he exclaimed.

Hoffman muttered and grumbled to himself, "Why is everyone so mean to me!" He picked up his candy cane again and followed John into the circle.

"I know you too well John," she replied and began to pour the vodka into each person's glass. "Okay, rules. Everybody take a shot glass. When the game starts, you put in ten fingers. Whoever starts says a simple statement starting with 'Never have I ever…' Anyone who has done what the first person has not must drink and put down one finger. The game ends when any person ends up with all ten fingers down. Got it?"

The group nodded their heads, and Jill finished pouring. "Alright," she said, "Who wants to start?"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! I hope I can make this as hilarious as the idea was intended to be in my head.

"I'll start!" Adam shouted. He seemed a little too eager to play this game. "Psh, you always have to start with something obvious. So, never have I ever…kissed a girl!"

The entire room groaned. Even Lawrence rolled his eyes at Adam. "Not fair!" he shouted. The men in the room, except for Hoffman, took their shots. However, no one was prepared to see Jill and Amanda take their shots too.

John stared at the two women in shock. "Ladies? Why am I only hearing about this now?" he said, and his eyes narrowed.

Amanda and Jill both stifled a laugh. "I did some stuff for drugs I wasn't proud of," Amanda said casually.

"I did some experimenting in college…" Jill merely said and Adam gave her a thumbs-up. Turning to Lawrence with a smirk, he said, "I always knew she was a wild one."

Hoffman sat there and stared at his shot glass with wide eyes. "I don't wanna do it! I've never had vodka before!" he shouted.

"God Mark, you're so whiny. Grow some balls man," Strahm said. "Just drink it; it's one shot!"

"It tastes like candy…I promise!" Perez said.

Hoffman turned towards Perez. "Really?" he asked, "Alright, fine." He picked up the glass, thoroughly examined the contents and stared at the glass from all angles. Finally, he put it up to his lips and drank it. Suddenly, he began spitting and coughing as if he was choking. He gasped for some air and turned to Perez. "YOU. LIE. EW! That was the grossest thing ever!" he shouted. He finished the remaining bits of his candy cane in a desperate attempt to rid his mouth of the taste. With his Christmas treat gone, Hoffman whimpered.

"See Mark, that wasn't so bad. It's over now," Strahm said. He couldn't help but snicker at Hoffman's behavior.

"Yeah, until the next shot he has to take," Amanda said. "MY TURN!"

She waited for those who had drank to refill their glasses. "Never have I ever…sang in the shower," she said. "I've spent nights with you people; don't try and deny it! Take your drinks and who's your favorite?" Amanda specifically chose the question because she had heard every other person in the room singing at least once. The game wasn't fun if at least everyone wasn't consistently taking shots. She smiled mischievously, and they all began.

"Shania Twain," Jill said, and took her shot.

"Shakira," Perez said and followed suit.

"Tim McGraw," Strahm said.

Adam and Lawrence exchanged knowing glances. "Cher, with some occasional Ke$ha for flavor," they said together, each drinking from the other's glass.

Before he spoke, John took a deep breath. "Amanda, I hate you for this," he said and took his shot first. "…Lady GaGa. Sometimes, I like to dance too."

The entire room burst out laughing. Jill laughed so hard she almost cried, Amanda fell onto Jill laughing, and Strahm and Perez exchanged confused glances; Adam turned to John, who was on his left, and set up for a high-five. "Man, you are my new hero!" he said. John glowered at Adam, and Adam quickly retracted his hand.

"Why is it so funny?" John shouted over the laughter. "I like that "Bad Romance" and that poor Alejandro guy…" his voiced tailed off.

"John, "Bad Romance" kind of reminds me of the late stages of our marriage," Jill retorted, still laughing.

Meanwhile, amidst all the commotion of John's confession, Hoffman attempted to flee the circle; he didn't want to play anymore. However, he wasn't quick enough to escape the watchful eyes of Amanda.

"STOP!" she bellowed. "HOFFMAN, GET BACK HERE!"

Hoffman jumped at the sound of his name, and slowly skulked back to the circle; he looked up at Amanda like a toddler who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar before dinner.

"You don't get out of the game that easily. Now spill," she said.

Hoffman hesitated for a moment, but he knew there was no way out. "My favorite singer is…Taylor Swift!" He spat the pop star's name out as quickly as he could, held his nose, and took the shot.

This time, it was Strahm who burst into hysterics. "OH MY GOD. This is too good; I like this game! Ya know Mark, all those years I always knew you had the inner soul of a teenage girl. You keep a diary too?"

"STRAHM YOU SHUT UP!" Hoffman shouted, "You should keep in mind, there's nothing I do better then revenge! I know where he keeps all his traps!" Hoffman said, pointing at John.

Amanda turned to Jill and smirked, "Absolutely brilliant idea. You have a devious mind you know that?"

"I try," Jill responded. She reached behind her and threw a pillow from the couch at the back of Hoffman's head. "Sit down! You're holding up the drunken fun. Mainly because no one's gotten the chance to BE drunk yet!"

Hoffman continued to mumble to himself and begrudgingly took his spot in the circle.

A/N: Yay end of Chapter 2 – I hope you guys are amused! I never planned on making this too long, so I think this might be a three-chapter fic; so be prepared, the drunken fun may end next chapter. R&R again! Love you guys!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I honestly don't know how this chapter evolved, haha. It kind of just happened. You may hate it, you may love it; I'm not sure. But, this is the end. R&R guys; thanks for reading this cracktastic fic!

"Oh I have a good one!" Perez waved her hand in the air excitedly. "Never have I ever…faked it during sex."

"Score!" Strahm exclaimed and gave himself a fist pump.

Perez rolled her eyes at him. "You're such a jerk!" she exclaimed.

"WHY DO ALL THESE QUESTIONS HAVE TO DO WITH SEX? OR BEING NAKED," Hoffman shouted.

"God someone should just get him earmuffs," Amanda said. Hoffman got out of the circle, got on the couch and put his head under a pillow. Amanda shrugged, "That works."

"Yo, hold on a second," Adam said. "This is gonna sound so dumb, but I gotta ask. Mainly because **I **never have. But can a guy even do that?"

The entire circle grew quiet; they all were thinking. Suddenly, Lawrence came to a conclusion. "I guess this is one of the great mysteries of life we will never understand. It's a question for the ladies I guess."

Amanda quickly downed her shot. "Is there a requirement that you need to take more than one shot for how many times you've done something?" she asked. "Aw hell," she said, and poured herself another shot. "For good measure."

Jill followed suit. John turned to her with a quizzical and irritated expression. She rolled her eyes. "Before your ego takes a hit—not with you," she said.

The game progressed well into the night as the snow fell harder and harder outside. The group learned some things about each other that they never would have suspected. One by one, each person passed out asleep. Soon, the only two left awake were Jill and Adam. At this point, they had stopped playing the game and were just drinking for the hell of it.

"So then I said, 'You're such a slut!' and punched her in the face. Like this," Jill said and demonstrated on a couch pillow. She was so drunk that she missed the pillow completely and fell on the floor. She burst out laughing and said, "And that's how I won my first bar fight."

Adam chuckled and took another shot. "God, you're like a female, straight version of me."

"If you weren't gay, I'd totally bang you. I mean that," Jill said smirking.

"That's just the booze talking; go to bed!" Adam said and her threw a pillow at Jill to get her to shut up.

-

* * *

The next morning, the gang groggily woke up to contrasting smells and sounds from the kitchen.

"What. The. Fuck. Is. That." Amanda said, still half asleep on the floor.

"Somebody's gonna die," John said angrily.

"GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! IT'S GREAT TO STAY UP LATE! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING TO YOU!" Hoffman sang and walking into the living room. He was carrying a pan filled with sizzling bacon.

"I could've fucking guessed," Jill growled from the couch.

"Everybody get up! I made pancakes and bacon! And the snow stopped; we're gonna live!" Hoffman said.

"Yaaaaay," the gang groaned.

"You're all not morning people are you?" Hoffman questioned.

"THAT'S IT! TOO MUCH HAPPY. TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING!" Amanda shouted. She threw a pillow at Hoffman and it hit him square in the chest, narrowly missing his pan of bacon.

"Fine, I guess I'll eat by myself…" Hoffman mumbled. Hoffman made himself a plate, and proceeded to watch his Saturday morning cartoons on the kitchen TV.

"WHOOOOOOOOOO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!—"

"SHUT UP HOFFMAN!"

The End!


End file.
